An interview with one of us who had a very close call with Mental Health

We all love to tell sto­ries about the amaz­ing things that hap­pen to us but the most learn­ing often comes from chal­leng­ing times, when life is hard. In this lat­est in a series about growth and men­tal health, I sat down with CEO Michael Wend­land who gen­er­ous­ly shared his sto­ry, in the hope it can help some­one else who is struggling.

Michael, who built a great com­pa­ny over 11 years, was intro­duced to me in 2019, through a cir­cle of entre­pre­neur friends who hang out togeth­er. When he reached out to me for help with a chal­lenge in his busi­ness, although it was clear his busi­ness was in a cri­sis, I was deeply con­cerned that he might be as well – for good reason.

Kevin: When we met, you were going through lay­ers of chal­lenges. Can you give some con­text by telling us a lit­tle about your­self and the busi­ness you built?

Michael: I’m a born-and-raised British Colum­bia boy who trav­eled around the world, in my ear­li­er years, but have stayed pret­ty close to home in Kelow­na (a small town about four hours east of Van­cou­ver). It’s the best city in the world! I’ve been mar­ried for 19 years – far and away the best deci­sion I’ve ever made in my life and have three kids. Out­side of work, I love music, play a lot of piano and am slow­ly learn­ing the gui­tar. And, except for crick­et and rug­by, I love almost every sport.

I’m an entre­pre­neur by trade and ran and scaled my com­pa­ny Refresh Finan­cial, which was sold a cou­ple of years ago. Since then, I’ve enjoyed con­sult­ing for oth­er com­pa­nies, around the world, and have start­ed an E‑Comm busi­ness because I just need­ed some­thing to start again.

Kevin: Tell me when life start­ed to get real­ly rough.

Michael: It was a slow burn out, creep­ing up slow­ly, over about five years. As you know, any busi­ness try­ing to grow and scale goes through a vari­ety of chal­lenges, and those seemed to gain momen­tum and com­plex­i­ty through that five-year peri­od. Then, COVID hap­pened and, sud­den­ly, I could­n’t con­tain the challenges.

They erupt­ed and over­flowed into my home, and even rela­tion­ships with our friends. The com­pa­ny debt was attached to per­son­al guar­an­tees to some very close fam­i­ly friends, and now, I could poten­tial­ly lose the company.

I saw it tak­ing a toll on my wife and in my home at a lev­el I had nev­er expe­ri­enced before. Up to then, I had done a real­ly good job of sep­a­rat­ing the busi­ness from home – con­tain­ing any chal­lenges – as much as possible.

As much as I want­ed to put my best foot for­ward and pre­tend things would be OK, life erupt­ed into a height­ened sense of real adver­si­ty, per­son­al­ly and professionally.

Kevin: That’s a lot of stress and pres­sure. What hap­pened from there?

Michael: I was real­ly hazy dur­ing that time. I oper­at­ed like a robot going through the motions to main­tain exis­tence and get things done in the busi­ness to not lose it. My social life was non-exis­tent and COVID obvi­ous­ly played a factor.

I had always been a very pos­i­tive per­son and told myself it was one of my strengths, as a leader and an entre­pre­neur. But, by sum­mer of 2020, I start­ed hav­ing some dark thoughts – not just neg­a­tive, but dark.

I come from a sto­ic, Ger­man back­ground. We don’t show emo­tion. Peo­ple always tell me I’m very con­tained and appear to have it all togeth­er, on the out­side. It’s how I’m wired. You put your head down, when things get tough, and work hard­er to get it done.

But I had an Achilles heel because those things stopped work­ing for me. I had­n’t prop­er­ly trained my men­tal, phys­i­cal and emo­tion­al mus­cles for any­thing else.

There’s no his­to­ry of men­tal health chal­lenges in my fam­i­ly and I could prob­a­bly count on one hand the num­ber of peo­ple I knew who had gone through a men­tal health cri­sis. I did­n’t respect that it could ever hap­pen to me, so I was­n’t mind­ful enough to see the build-up.

My amaz­ing wife sup­ports me uncon­di­tion­al­ly and, on paper, I had the sup­port struc­tures I could have gone to – busi­ness coach­es, forum groups and CEO groups, friends. But I did­n’t let them in to my true self and my true chal­lenges, for a vari­ety of reasons.

That was self-induced and I’ve learned, after the fact, how we play into our stories.

Because I’m a solu­tion-ori­ent­ed thinker I tried to think about the path out. I start­ed to think if I took myself out of the equa­tion per­ma­nent­ly it could be, in fact, the best solution.

I thought I was run­ning out of solu­tions and time. Then, I actu­al­ly attempt­ed to take my own life. Thank­ful­ly, it was unsuc­cess­ful but that’s how bad it got.

Kevin: I think you were in the red zone of the men­tal health con­tin­u­um where, cog­ni­tive­ly, we don’t make good choic­es and lose faith. Can you help peo­ple to under­stand how a smart, suc­cess­ful, dri­ven guy, like you, gets to the point of believ­ing that end­ing their time on the plan­et ear­ly seemed like a solution?

Michael: Quite hon­est­ly, that’s still a tough ques­tion to answer. Nev­er, in a mil­lion years, did I ever think this it would hap­pen to me. I wasn’t think­ing clear­ly, and I felt I was out of options.

When the walls closed in, I nev­er felt so alone in my life. That lone­li­ness came from the lack of sup­port struc­tures in place, where I could process out loud and speak to oth­ers who have gone through the same situation.

I thought, I’m strong. I’ve pushed through in the past, and I’ll push through again.

Thank God I’m still here today. I nev­er want to go through that, again, even though chal­lenges and adver­si­ty will always come.

Kevin: How did you climb out and get help?

Michael: When I called you that sum­mer to con­sult for the busi­ness, I thought that if I could solve the busi­ness prob­lems, every­thing else would follow.

In our first con­ver­sa­tion you asked me, point blank, if I was OK. I remem­ber that moment because it hit me like a ton of bricks that I wasn’t. Nobody had asked me that before or rec­og­nized the sto­icism I was showing.

The process to heal start­ed with that first con­ver­sa­tion. Although you didn’t con­sult for the busi­ness, you said you’d call me once a week to check in, which we did for about four months.

It was­n’t a ​‘snap your fin­gers and you’re good’ but it was the turn­ing point.

Kevin: So, now you weren’t alone and had some­one with you on the jour­ney. I’m grate­ful to have some train­ing and have been down this road with oth­ers. It’s not an easy con­ver­sa­tion but it opened some possibilities.

From that point, what helped you to heal and get back on track?

A friend who listens

Michael: There are so many things! Def­i­nite­ly, hav­ing that con­nec­tion with some­one who is unbi­ased and in your cor­ner, call­ing just for me every week is vital­ly impor­tant. There was no invoice and you weren’t try­ing to earn a paycheck.

Pro­fes­sion­al help

Sec­ond, you sug­gest­ed I get pro­fes­sion­al help which was fan­tas­tic. I spent two hours a week pro­cess­ing my thoughts out loud and, although I did­n’t even appre­ci­ate it ful­ly, at the time, it was more heal­ing than I can say. I start­ed to unpack thoughts that swarmed in my mind, that I had inter­nal­ized for years.

I obvi­ous­ly think about men­tal health very dif­fer­ent­ly, now, and with the upmost respect. I now think you get to good men­tal health like you have a phys­i­cal fit­ness plan where you work out reg­u­lar­ly and eat right.

I didn’t have a men­tal fit­ness plan – and didn’t think I need­ed one.

Kevin: When your brain is bro­ken, you need an expert. Like if you have a com­pound frac­ture, friends can’t fix it. You need a doc­tor. Tell me more about the peo­ple around you and why they couldn’t be helpful.

Michael: Although peo­ple want­ed to help, their advice was sim­i­lar to the advice I was telling myself: Do this and this and get the busi­ness solved. Like me, they went to solu­tions. It was­n’t inher­ent­ly wrong; it just wasn’t help­ful. Using your bro­ken leg exam­ple, peo­ple told me I just need­ed to walk on it more and it’ll go away.

Kevin: There’s a dis­tinc­tion, here, between solu­tion and hear­ing. By nature, we go to solu­tions so quick­ly because our inten­tion is to help peo­ple get out of pain. Good coun­selors lis­ten and have tools and frame­works to help you to move ahead.

Oth­er people’s stories

Michael: Exact­ly. Anoth­er thing that real­ly helped was when you intro­duced me to some peo­ple who had gone through the expe­ri­ence before; hear­ing oth­er lead­ers who went through an adver­si­ty that struck them to the core, what they did and how they got on the oth­er side of it. Com­bined with pro­fes­sion­al help, it imme­di­ate­ly made me appre­ci­ate that I’m not alone.

One per­son I talked to prob­a­bly does­n’t even real­ize the val­ue of our short, 30-minute con­ver­sa­tion that was so life-giv­ing to me. Even though I’ve nev­er met the per­son face to face,

I’ll be for­ev­er indebted.

Grat­i­tude

In terms of prac­ti­cal advice, he said you actu­al­ly need to rewire your mind and the way to do that is to find one thing, when you wake up, that you’re grate­ful for.

Some morn­ings, that one thing is so utter­ly sim­plis­tic – like the soft pil­low under your head – that you start to reframe your per­spec­tive on the world around you, to appre­ci­ate what you have instead of focus­ing on what you don’t have.

A five-minute journal

The real­i­ty is that, in any moment, there are a lot of things that you don’t have but you do have some­thing to be grate­ful for. A habit is a five-minute jour­nal, every day. It’s a spe­cial time to just name all the sim­ple and com­plex things that you’re grate­ful for.

Kevin: I now prac­tice grat­i­tude, too. It’s such an impact­ful tech­nique because the truth is that glass­es are either half full or half emp­ty. When we’re in a bad men­tal (red zone) state, we can only see it half emp­ty and it takes you down to a bad place. Grat­i­tude forces you to see the half full.

What oth­er men­tal fit­ness things do you do?

Safe, sus­tained support

Michael: An impor­tant piece is a trust­ed com­mu­ni­ty around me. I’m part of a guy’s group – five of us who meet every two weeks, usu­al­ly on Zoom, because a cou­ple moved out of the area. Some guys I’ve known for many years and oth­ers, only the last cou­ple of years. It’s a safe space to check in about how every­one is doing, per­son­al­ly, pro­fes­sion­al­ly and spir­i­tu­al­ly. It’s not from a busi­ness per­spec­tive (like CEO forums) but shar­ing our thoughts on life and how can we help.

Med­i­ta­tion

On the spir­i­tu­al front, the oth­er prac­tice is med­i­ta­tion and prayer. That process of silence, in the morn­ing, is real­ly impor­tant to me, and one of the high­lights of my day. With­out it, I have a more chal­leng­ing men­tal health day because I’m not start­ing off from a per­spec­tive of grat­i­tude and service.

Aware­ness & prevention

The third one is that I am more aware of sit­u­a­tions, envi­ron­ments or adver­si­ties and am start­ing to unpack why they trig­ger me – whether with my wife or in the guy’s group – and to lim­it those instances. It’s being aware of dri­vers and prevention.

Kevin: How has your belief sys­tem changed through all of this?

Michael: Good ques­tion! I think, in a lot of ways, it’s the inverse of a lot of those beliefs that I men­tioned (to push through no mat­ter what). I hope this does­n’t hap­pen to that extent, ever again, but I respect the fact that that can.

It’s tough to train your­self, if you haven’t been through some­thing like this. Hind­sight is always 20/20!

Respect men­tal health

I would tell my younger self to respect the fact that (a men­tal health issue) can hap­pen to you.

Some peo­ple think that those with men­tal health issues are weak and there’s some­thing wrong with them. You think you are not like them – that you are stronger, smarter, and more resilient.

But every­one has a break­ing point.

Kevin: If you were to play out your cur­rent sit­u­a­tion, what would that break­ing point look like and how would you pre­pare yourself?

Michael: I would have done all the things that I just men­tioned that I’m doing now. I’m now more mature in those learn­ings, because I’ve been doing them over a longer peri­od of time, and they have com­pound­ed and gained in value.

Be your best self

Hav­ing said that, life does throw you punch­es. You can’t say ​“I’m going to live this per­fect straight line, if I do these things at a young age”. It’s not about a straight line but, when it comes to men­tal health, it’s about being your best self.

Kevin: I real­ly appre­ci­ate you shar­ing this because it can hap­pen to any of us. Senior lead­ers and entre­pre­neurs are wired sim­i­lar­ly: that when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

High per­form­ers don’t like to admit when things aren’t good. In con­ver­sa­tions I’ve had with oth­ers, peo­ple tell me they feel shame­ful and embar­rassed when they’re in a bad place. Some­times stuff hap­pens that’s messy, dirty or embar­rass­ing, and a habit of talk­ing to peo­ple, ear­ly, is impor­tant. I have a cou­ple of peo­ple and a coun­sel­lor I can call and say any­thing to, out­side of friends and family.

Ear­ly action

Michael: You raise a good point to build that rela­tion­ship before a cri­sis, so that when things are trend­ing down­wards you can call and get back and course.

Kevin: Any final thoughts you would like to leave peo­ple with?

Michael: I would just say you are not alone. Maybe there’s some­body out there today that feels alone but they’re not. There is some­one who’s gone through a sim­i­lar cri­sis. Just hear­ing those words – through com­mu­ni­ty groups and your tribe and pro­fes­sion­als – is heal­ing, in and of itself.

This is a jour­ney that hun­dreds and thou­sands of lead­ers and CEOs and entre­pre­neurs go through, and most don’t talk about it pub­licly. Once peo­ple real­ize that it’s nor­mal, they might be more like­ly to be pre­pared or get help ear­li­er, rather than wait­ing for a poten­tial­ly cat­a­stroph­ic event.

My deep grat­i­tude goes to Michael. By shar­ing his expe­ri­ence, he is help­ing others. 

If you, or some­one you know, is in cri­sis, peo­ple are wait­ing to help:

• Search for the men­tal health hot­line in your area for a num­ber you can call imme­di­ate­ly to speak to some­one who can guide you to appro­pri­ate pro­fes­sion­al help.
• Call your psy­chol­o­gist, doc­tor or coun­selor or
• Go to emer­gency at your local hospital.

Helplines

Cana­da

• Men­tal Health Sup­port 1−866−585−0445 or text WELL­NESS to 741741
• Talk​sui​cide​.ca Call 1.833.456.4566 | Text 45645

US

• Men­tal Health Sup­port US Call or text 988 or chat 988life​line​.org

Resources

• Men­tal Health Con­tin­u­um Model
• Your Oxy­gen Mask First Self-Assesment

About Michael

Michael Wend­land is a leader/​entrepreneur with more than 18 years’ expe­ri­ence in the finan­cial ser­vices industry.

In 2010, he found­ed Refresh Finan­cial as an answer to a prob­lem com­mon­ly faced by under-served peo­ple in Cana­da, access to cred­it; and was acknowl­edged as a pio­neer in the grow­ing Cana­di­an fin­tech land­scape. In 2017, Deloitte rec­og­nized Refresh as the 17^th fastest-grow­ing North Amer­i­can tech­nol­o­gy com­pa­ny. After the busi­ness sold in 2021, Michael now con­sults for com­pa­nies and launch­es oth­er startups.

Michael also co-found­ed the non-prof­it Launch Okana­gan to pro­vide finan­cial lit­er­a­cy train­ing and asset-build­ing ini­tia­tives to youth and dis­ad­van­taged adults.